The great iPod conspiracy!

Recently I came into some money. The video is available on most major adult video sites.

No, no, I kid! In reality I didn't suddenly gain a lot of money, I just simply gathered and counted all of the money that was lying around my house in opened and half-emptied pay packets. These pay packets were lying around everywhere, amidst the spent hookers and empty whiskey bottles that I frequently have in my home.

The money amounted to a little over £600, I was rather pleased. Subtracting £200 to put aside ready to give to a friend I'm indebted to (He breaks shins more often than most of us break wind), I decided to treat myself. "An iPod!" I exclaimed to no-one in particular. It was the perfect plan.

Now I realise you may be reading this and thinking, "Dude, iPods are old news.", but before you crack out the big book of new fads, I ain't some old man who's recently discovered electricity. I did have an MP3 player, it was beautiful, a Creative Zen model. However, in an incident that has since gone unexplained, long-story-short: Singapore broke my Zen!

So, I went online, decided upon a model, the 80gb iPod classic, in silver so it doesn't get muddled up with my brother's. Yes, that's right, the classic model. You can keep your Nano and your Touch and your Shuffle and whatever else the Japanese decided to shrink to a suppository size. I want an iPod that won't be misplaced every time I sneeze.

I found a deal on Amazon.co.uk. The going rate for this model of iPod appears to be £159.99, however, on Amazon there was a deal for £147. Score! I ordered it, along with a mains charger, which apparently doesn't come in the pack, and a blue soft silicon skin. To protect the screen, and also to make my iPod look cool.

Bam! I hit the 'Buy' button and the transaction was complete. This morning my mains charger and skin arrived. I was excited, would my iPod come in the next post?

No.

No it wouldn't.

Instead I got a phone call from a company called eXpansys. I didn't realise this was the company I bought my iPod from, it didn't state that I was buying it from another seller through Amazon, as it normally would. Apparently, due to a "human error" they had simply failed to put on Amazon that the iPods they sell are not brand new, they are second hand iPods which have been "Refurbished". I believe that means that they have deleted the songs and wiped it with a cloth.

But, I'm not one to judge, everyone makes mistakes. Surely they just forgot to put 'Refurbished' on the sales page, and instead left it blank. That's an easy mistake to make.
If only they made that mistake. They actually put "Brand New Product." and later "If packaging is damaged upon delivery, do not sign for the product or your insurance is void". Hold on. Are they trying to tell me that whoever wrote that page got to a certain section and had a seizure, causing their hands to flop listlessly across the keyboard, perfectly typing out that the product is brand new, as well as a legal disclaimer.

So, this Yorkshire sounding lady on the phone asked me the question "Would you still like to purchase this product?"

What?

You are asking me if I want to continue buying a second-hand product that costs £12 less than a brand new one?

Are you fucking loopy?

No.

No, I do not wish to buy a £147 iPod that has been used and owned, despite how much effort you clearly put into deleting the memory and removing any traces of pocket lint.

I tried to find the Amazon page to show you, but I couldn't. I am fairly certain that this company makes their money from people who are too stupid to refuse to buy their used products after the deceit and lies.

The good news is, I have now bought a new iPod off a respectable company, for the retail price, with free delivery. And it should arrive tomorrow.